Hermione's Secret
by beef cake
Summary: HERMIONEXOCSMYRA A story about love, hate, AND complete stupidity! Hermione finds a new Eastern European lover...Oneshot


Hermione's Secret

One morning Harry, Ron, and Hermione were in the Great Hall eating a scrumptious breakfast. Harry and Ron were both chattering away about Quidditch whereas studious Hermione was scanning her Study of Ancient Runes Book. "You know that already Hermione. Why are you studying?" proclaimed Ron.

"It's our 7th year _Ronald, _and you haven't opened a book once since you've arrived here! We've got NEWTS in five months, and you need to start studying, and stop talking about _Quidditch _and _girls_ who don't even know you exist!" exclaimed Hermione.

"C'mon Hermione I've asked you out twice already. We're meant for each other!" said Ron in a sad voice.

"I'm sorry Ron, but it would just get in the way of my studies, I've told you a thousand times that-."

Hermione was cut off, for the headmaster had just risen, "Students, may I have your attention. We have received our first new foreign exchange student in Hogwarts history. Let us all welcome Smyra Smarganov, from the distant lands of Russia."

Applause proceeded as Smyra walked up and shook Dumbledore's hand. She was rather petite, but very attractive. She had short black hair, a button nose, and two eyes made out of coal. "Hubba Hubba," screamed Ron rather excitedly.

"_Ron, you're rather rude!_" Hissed Hermione, "I wonder what house she's in?"

Her question was answered as the sexy Russian chick took a seat at the Gryffindor table. Ron was drooling all over the table as she sat right across from him, next to Hermione. "Oh hello, you must be Smyra," proclaimed Hermione conversationally.

"Ah, ya, and who are you?" she asked in a strong Russian accent.

"Hubba Hubba!" said Ron who received a kick in a sensitive area by Hermione from under the table.

"I'm Hermione Granger, and welcome to Hogwarts!"

"Ahh, Ermiony, we vill be so good friends, ya?" said Smyra.

"Um, yes, of course-" Just then, the bell rang, "Oh, you have Ancient Runes too; come with me, Professor Vector is very kind…"

Hermione and Smyra got along well; they both seemed to have a lot in common. Smyra was also very bright and like Hermione, didn't obsess over boys and being popular, like all the other girls at Hogwarts.

"So, Ermiony, do you know any ozer Eastern Europeans?"

"Well my ex-boyfriend, Victor was from Bulgaria. That was when I found out that I really hate men. They're so evil and nasty, and I never really felt too close to Victor anyway." Spoke Hermione sadly.

"Oh, I have never liked men, zey ave never appealed to me…"

"Oh, um sure..."

"Vat?"

"Nothing, never mind," said Hermione rather uncomfortably.

She met Smyra's golden eyes and they stared at each with a look of lust in their eyes.

"Is it just me Ron, or do I see Hermione and the Russian girl staring at each other?" said Harry, who was sitting with Ron across the room from Hermione.

"Maybe she thinks she's hot, I know I do!" said Ron.

"No, Hermione's not a lesbian Ron," said Harry jokingly

"That's why she won't go out with me. Harry, she _is_ a lesbian!"

Hermione and Smyra were spending a lot of time together lately. As the weekend approached, Hermione refused to go to Hogsmeade with Ron and Harry, saying that she and Smyra would be doing some bonding together.

Little did Harry and Ron know that Hermione and Smyra were going to Club Malchik, the only lesbian dance club in all of Hogsmeade.

But little did Hermione know that Club Malchik was where Ron and Harry loved to go, under the invisibility cloak, and watch Yulia, the stripping veela.

Hermione and Smyra arrived at Club Malchik in tight sluttish ripped up Hogwarts robes.

"Ermiony I am so glad zat I av found someone like you! Kiss me everyvere," and the two lesbians kissed repeatedly.

In the background, Yulia the veela, danced around enchanting all the girls crowding around her. No one would have guessed that Ron and Harry had just entered the club, under the invisibility cloak. Ron's eyes were glued to the Veela who was doing an enchanting magical pole dance. But Harry saw in the corner, on a dragon leather couch two very wild girls making out.

'_Wait a minute_,' thought Harry, staring over at the two girls on the couch who were sucking each others tongues, '_No-that's not… IT IS!_'

"Ron!" whispered Harry, "You were right, look over there it's Hermione!"

"Bloody hell! She's snogging that Russian chick!" Ron gasped, "Harry, Hermione's _gay_!"

Hermione and Smyra arrived back at Hogwarts late that night. When they saw that the common room was desolate, they continued to lick each others faces and caress each other. Just then Harry and Ron jumped out of their invisibility cloak, Harry with a look of disgust, Ron with his usual clueless look, and the two lesbians with a look of pure shock.

"HERMIONE!" Ron screamed as his face turned red with anger, "You're sick!"

"ITS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS _RON!_ HOW DARE YOU SPY ON ME!"

"I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT YOU'RE A LESBIAN! MY BEST FRIEND! A LESBIAN!"

"Shut up you two!" screamed Harry, but they were too loud and too late. Gryffindors from the boys and girls dormitory had all jumped out of their beds to see the commotion.

"Hermione, did we hear correctly?" proclaimed Lavender Brown from the girls dormitory trying to hold back her laughter.

"Eww, a lesbian! I don't want a lesbian sleeping in the same room as me!" said a 7th year girl.

"Hey, Hermione and Smyra are gay everyone!" yelled someone else.

It was a total embarrassment; Hermione broke out into tears and ran outside the portrait hole, nearly knocking the Fat Lady Portrait off the wall. Smyra was soon surrounded by everyone teasing her and asking her questions. She didn't seem to mind much. Then finally a prefect broke it all up and made everyone return to their dormitories.

The next day, rumors were flying around the school of the events that happened the last night. Everyone seemed to know about Hermione's little secret. She couldn't concentrate on any of her classes and even received a T (for Troll) on a Transfiguration Test that she gave up on. Even the teachers stared at her funny when she walked into a room. Worst of all, Millicent Bulstrode, a fat, ugly Slytherin with terrible acne, seemed to be rather nice to her lately…

She tried to not be seen with Smyra a lot, but Smyra followed her around, and worst of all, in potions class, Smyra passed Hermione a little love note which was intercepted by Snape and read aloud to the class.

At the end of the day, Hermione was extremely depressed. Just then Smyra popped up in front of her and said in barely a whisper, "Ermiony, it doez not matter, everyone already knows."

"Yes...I suppose…But I just don't feel comfortable expressing our love in public."

"Oh…Zer is a closet over zer," said Smyra, pointing at a closet near the main entrance."

"Let's do it," said Hermione, her voice suddenly filled with lust.

They ran to the closet and started making love once again.

"Vat was zat?" Smyra exclaimed. A loud crack echoed outside the closet door. They peeked outside the door and Hermione's heart skipped a beat. Standing outside of their closet was none other than the dark lord Voldermort!

"Who iz he?" whispered Smyra.

"Shh!" hissed Hermione, "He's only the most evil wizard of mankind! How did he get into the school, you can't apparate at Hogwarts?"

"Ah, you filthy mudblood, but I am the Dark Lord and I can do anything! Tonight, I will take over Hogwarts. A Ha ha ha haa!" and with a flick of his wand, the two lesbians were thrown out of the closet.

"So what are two little school girls doing in a closet?" said Voldermort evilly.

"Umm, umm," Hermione was to scared to talk but then-

"Ve ver making out, because ve are lesbian lovers!" shrieked Smyra strongly.

"You're, you're what? You're lesbians? That's hot!" said Voldermort.

"Ahh Tom, I see you have come for a visit. Would you like some tea?" Just then Albus Dumbledore had arrived.

"Dumbledore, now I can kill you and these two lesbians once and for all! Then, I will take over the school and kill Harry," Voldermort cackled.

Then Voldermort flicked his wand and all three of them were tied together by a magical rope that had appeared out of thin air.

"We're all doomed!" shrieked Hermione.

"No we're not Hermione, we've got something that Voldermort isn't aware of," said Dumbledore in his calm voice.

Voldermort was now going around, enchanting all the doors that lead to the entrance hall, so that no one could save the three captives.

"What are you talking about; we're tied up in magical rope! We don't have any magic! There's nothing we can do," Hermione pouted.

"Hermione, we have got the power that undid Voldermort years ago; love, gay love!"

"Gay love, but Dumbledore, you're not gay," said Hermione

"Hermione I love everyone, how could you say that? I do men and women, silly children!" Dumbledore chuckled.

"Oh…Umm…"

"Alright, here's what we must do, when Voldermort is done locking all the doors, we all need to kiss each other, and think happy thoughts."

"Ok"

"Ya"

"Ok then, here he comes," observed Dumbledore.

"Now for me to kill you miserable happy people and take over the school!"

"OK, NOW!" screamed Dumbledore, and they all locked lips and thought happy thoughts.

"_Avada Kedavara!_" He screamed, but instead of an electric green killing flash, the end of Voldermort's wand erupted in a confetti of colors. Then a rainbow shot out of his wand ricocheting off the three captives and with a loud pop, a giant purple hippopotamus with a matching purple set of wings appeared in midair.

"What the F-," Said Voldermort bewildered by the giant flying purple beast.

Then the magical flying purple hippo swooped over to the dark lord and swallowed him whole, thus ending the evil reign of Lord Voldermort.

When the world heard of this grand event, there were great celebrations. Hermione and Smyra were crowned by the Ministry of Magic as the Lesbian Princesses who killed the Dark Lord, through the power of their love.


End file.
